BAKE, STAKE AND CAKE

I cut up some potatoes for a nice oven bake,

Next, I peeled and cut onions to fry up with a stake,

I opened cans of baked beans,

A fav of my hungry teens,

Then, I squashed bananas for a banana cream cake.

THE AMERICAN EXPLORER

 I'm going to Greenland, to buy myself a house,

I think that while I'm there, I'll pick up a brand new spouse,

Maybe I'll shake paws,

With the famous Santa Claus,

Then I will go hunting, for the giant, dire mouse.

LOVE UNTIL THE END

 They were in a long, long, BL ship,

It was the happiest, amazing trip,

Lasting 40 years,

It ended with tears,

When the one died from a broken hip.

LORD OF THE GRIFTERS

 Here Van Die Vliee sells electric cars,

They often are dreaming of tripping to mars,

But there's errors in their summing,

Those errors they are mumming, 

So investors and bankers, keep coining Vliee's jars.  

My Big Daddy Collabs On OnlyFans

I thought my parents were getting a divorce,

I asked nicest mommy and she said, "of course",

My mommy, the finder,

Found dad's pics on grinder,

And, a collab OnlyFans page with a horse.

THE GHOST SHIP COMES FOR ME LIMERICK

The ghost ship appeared out upon the high sea,
It sang a song on the waves it meant only for me,
It called me to board,
I need not bring my sword,
For there would be no one to fight where I'd be.

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IT WAS A COUPLE DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS POEM

It was a couple days before Christmas,
My wife's psycho dogs quacked like ducks,
And, I thought to myself,
Every Christmas it sucks,

I was out in my driveway,
Shoveling three feet of snow,
When I heard right behind me,
My molter-in-law growling "Ho, Ho,"

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"Catch this you bum,"
She shouted at me,
So, I turned about,
And, what did I see,

I looked up to the sky,
And, what should appear,
But, a two liter glass bottle,
All empty of beer,

The bottle smacked  my head,
My face gushed out blood,
I fell into the snow,
With a groan and a thud,

The next thing that I tell you,
Was really quite neat,
I awoke in a hospital,
It smelled a sanitized sweet,

A nurse hovered over me,
And, she was no ug,
She fluffed up my pillow,
And, gave me a hug,

"Oh you poor dear,"
She said unto me,
"You'll be in the hospital,
Two months maybe three,"

The  room service was great,
I ate like a king,
And, I didn't have to do,
One dog gone thing,

My wife sued for divorce,
And, with her mother moved away,
To live in New York,
Or, was it L.A.?

So, I married my nurse,
I don't have to work,
She has a good job,
And, that's such a perk,

Well, as for each Christmas,
On one thing I pass,
I  drink beer from quart cans,
Never two-liter glass,

THE WEREWOLVES WILL BE FILLIN'

When the full moon is up and it's chillin'
Then, the werewolves come a killin',
From the deep darkest woods,
They come after your goods,
And, on your meat they will be a fillin'.

I TOOK MY LITTLE BOAT OUT FOR SOME SAILING

I took my little boat out for some sailing,
But, It just was not worth the bailing,
And, my cell phone wouldn't link,
Before I entered the drink,
As I counted the sharks who were tailing.

SANTA AND THE SECOND CLASS TROLL

Where does Santa get his toys?

They are made by elves for good girls and boys,

And, for boys and girls who are really bad,

They get lumps of coal then, they feel sad,

Where does Santa get his lumps of coal?

From deep shaft mines worked by a creature called troll,

And, while elves get a golden toy factory pass,

Trolls work deep in the earth like a true second-class,

Now, old Santa is a jolly old elf,

And, he promotes the ones who are just like himself,

 But, he does provide jobs for those who work underground,

In mines that are cited as unsafe and unsound,

Yet, the trolls do not live a life of quiet despair,

Instead, they plot revolution to make society fair,

Now, on Christmas morning when you get your big lump of coal,

Remember, the coal came from the toils of the second-class troll.

First Published Dec 19, 2014

DEATH BY CYBER EXPLOSION

I got killed by a rouge, cyber truck, today,

My silly, old soul has done, floated away,

There was a big crash,

An explosion, a flash,

Birds cleanup my pieces, the red and charred grey. .

I WALK WITH THE DEAD BRAIN MAJORITY

 I voted for the idol, bro-love, billionaire dude,

Now I will be paying more for my shelter and food,

When I have not any heat,

My dead, froze feet, I will eat,

And, I will still be in a leader, worshiping mood.

THE DARK MARK OF MITCH

 I went upstairs to my bedroom, and found there, a witch,

She powdered my slippers, with stuff that made my feet itch,

The devil daughter of dark,

Showed her left hand had a mark,

A tattoo picture of my daddy, his name was Mitch.

MAMA'S LAST SUPPER

 I went to the Nederlands, and got me some neder,

I mixed it with salt, garlic and a little peder,

It was mama's dying wish,

To have her favorite dish,

Homemade crumpet, served on a plate, carved from a cedar. 

WE HAD A GUEST TODAY

 I decided to hire a mohel, his name was Hubla Hahn,

I hired him to do all my kids, Wilmadene, Gerald and Don,

The kids were quiet as mice,

As the man went slice, slice, slice,

The mohel left, after using the john.

THE DAY THE EARTH MOVED FORWARD (ONE HOUR)

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty (Murky) Merkel
Psychic Contributor
Humor News Nuts Publications

Saturday Edition

I happened to look at my calendar today and found out that it's March.  In fact, it's the 8th of March and I'm missing a whole week.  I am also missing an hour since Daylight Savings Time starts today.  I guess Daylight Savings Time is some sort of government holiday because I don't think the rest of the world cares.  It's just another day that mail isn't delivered and since it's Sunday anyway again, it's a holiday that just doesn't matter to normal people like me.

Well, anyway I have some pretty important predictions for March.  For one thing leprechauns aren't going to be welcomed at most hotels in Northern Michigan for St. Patrick’s Day because of the nasty way they tore everything up last year.  I mean that they came up here from Bay City last year and just tore every hotel that they stayed in to ruins.  I mean those little guys caused some gigantic damage.  For instance, at one of our best hotels the little guys ripped all the newspaper off the walls and ceilings and burned it in the wood-stove.  So, that hotel didn't have any insulation in it for the next six months.  It took that long to gather up enough old newspapers to cover all the ceiling and wall surfaces.
Leprechauns did even worse damage at a prestigious downtown hotel when they cut peep holes in all the outhouses so no one had any privacy when they had to see Mrs. Jones (Mrs. Jones is what my grandmother use to call a toilet.)

Now, I do have other predictions, like the one about what happens when a bear walks into a forest in the spring?  All the trees are scared into leafing.   Ha, Ha.  But seriously, March is going to be a month with unstable temperatures and icy roads.  Some people will finally take down their outdoor Christmas decorations and realize after finding all the holes in their plastic reindeer that those were gunshots they heard on New Year’s Eve and not firecrackers.

Well, I got to wrap it up now.  I'm predicting that I'm going to have a busy time this month since with all the melting snow many people will be having their septic tanks backing up into their trailers.  Most people, I know can't afford a professional to fix their problem so they call on me to see if I can drive away the evil spirits with a séance and hence, keep the spirits from gurgling up from just below ground level.  Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't.  I still charge $10 whether I'm successful or not.  I should charge more but, I've found that if the client is only out $10 then, if things don't work out I'm not so likely to be turned into the authorities again.  Fines and bail money can really eat into honest mystic psychic profits.

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PORCH PIRATE FRIDAY

Porch pirate Friday,

Packages, groceries, gone,

Unhappy weekend.

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I AM SHORT LONG LEG

 I was born with one leg, far too long,

Which made all my walking, really wrong,

I was sad, deep despair,

I just sat in my chair,

Watching smoke, rise from my smoky bong.

BIRDIE AND HIS BUBBLE PIPES

 Birdie had his pipes to play; he played since he was a lad,

Birdie had his songs to play, both happy ones and true sad,

Birdie played pipes in the bathtub,

He created the "Bubble Club",

The Birdie Bubble Pipes Podcast, has numbers, not too bad.

Daddy's Working Out Adventure

 Daddy said he was demoted to the bottom from the top,

Daddy said it happened real fast, like a corporate flip flop

Daddy said now at work,

He got one little perk,

He had the power to work harder, or to come to full stop.