SANTA AND THE SECOND CLASS TROLL

Where does Santa get his toys?

They are made by elves for good girls and boys,

And, for boys and girls who are really bad,

They get lumps of coal then, they feel sad,

Where does Santa get his lumps of coal?

From deep shaft mines worked by a creature called troll,

And, while elves get a golden toy factory pass,

Trolls work deep in the earth like a true second-class,

Now, old Santa is a jolly old elf,

And, he promotes the ones who are just like himself,

 But, he does provide jobs for those who work underground,

In mines that are cited as unsafe and unsound,

Yet, the trolls do not live a life of quiet despair,

Instead, they plot revolution to make society fair,

Now, on Christmas morning when you get your big lump of coal,

Remember, the coal came from the toils of the second-class troll.

First Published Dec 19, 2014

DEATH BY CYBER EXPLOSION

I got killed by a rouge, cyber truck, today,

My silly, old soul has done, floated away,

There was a big crash,

An explosion, a flash,

Birds cleanup my pieces, the red and charred grey. .

IT WAS A COUPLE DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS POEM

It was a couple days before Christmas,
My wife's psycho dogs quacked like ducks,
And, I thought to myself,
Every Christmas it sucks,

I was out in my driveway,
Shoveling three feet of snow,
When I heard right behind me,
My molter-in-law growling "Ho, Ho,"

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"Catch this you bum,"
She shouted at me,
So, I turned about,
And, what did I see,

I looked up to the sky,
And, what should appear,
But, a two liter glass bottle,
All empty of beer,

The bottle smacked  my head,
My face gushed out blood,
I fell into the snow,
With a groan and a thud,

The next thing that I tell you,
Was really quite neat,
I awoke in a hospital,
It smelled a sanitized sweet,

A nurse hovered over me,
And, she was no ug,
She fluffed up my pillow,
And, gave me a hug,

"Oh you poor dear,"
She said unto me,
"You'll be in the hospital,
Two months maybe three,"

The  room service was great,
I ate like a king,
And, I didn't have to do,
One dog gone thing,

My wife sued for divorce,
And, with her mother moved away,
To live in New York,
Or, was it L.A.?

So, I married my nurse,
I don't have to work,
She has a good job,
And, that's such a perk,

Well, as for each Christmas,
On one thing I pass,
I  drink beer from quart cans,
Never two-liter glass,

I WALK WITH THE DEAD BRAIN MAJORITY

 I voted for the idol, bro-love, billionaire dude,

Now I will be paying more for my shelter and food,

When I have not any heat,

My dead, froze feet, I will eat,

And, I will still be in a leader, worshiping mood.

THE DARK MARK OF MITCH

 I went upstairs to my bedroom, and found there, a witch,

She powdered my slippers, with stuff that made my feet itch,

The devil daughter of dark,

Showed her left hand had a mark,

A tattoo picture of my daddy, his name was Mitch.

MAMA'S LAST SUPPER

 I went to the Nederlands, and got me some neder,

I mixed it with salt, garlic and a little peder,

It was mama's dying wish,

To have her favorite dish,

Homemade crumpet, served on a plate, carved from a cedar. 

THE GHOST SHIP COMES FOR ME LIMERICK

The ghost ship appeared out upon the high sea,
It sang a song on the waves it meant only for me,
It called me to board,
I need not bring my sword,
For there would be no one to fight where I'd be.

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WE HAD A GUEST TODAY

 I decided to hire a mohel, his name was Hubla Hahn,

I hired him to do all my kids, Wilmadene, Gerald and Don,

The kids were quiet as mice,

As the man went slice, slice, slice,

The mohel left, after using the john.

THE DAY THE EARTH MOVED FORWARD (ONE HOUR)

By Psychic Mystic Madam Misty (Murky) Merkel
Psychic Contributor
Humor News Nuts Publications

Saturday Edition

I happened to look at my calendar today and found out that it's March.  In fact, it's the 8th of March and I'm missing a whole week.  I am also missing an hour since Daylight Savings Time starts today.  I guess Daylight Savings Time is some sort of government holiday because I don't think the rest of the world cares.  It's just another day that mail isn't delivered and since it's Sunday anyway again, it's a holiday that just doesn't matter to normal people like me.

Well, anyway I have some pretty important predictions for March.  For one thing leprechauns aren't going to be welcomed at most hotels in Northern Michigan for St. Patrick’s Day because of the nasty way they tore everything up last year.  I mean that they came up here from Bay City last year and just tore every hotel that they stayed in to ruins.  I mean those little guys caused some gigantic damage.  For instance, at one of our best hotels the little guys ripped all the newspaper off the walls and ceilings and burned it in the wood-stove.  So, that hotel didn't have any insulation in it for the next six months.  It took that long to gather up enough old newspapers to cover all the ceiling and wall surfaces.
Leprechauns did even worse damage at a prestigious downtown hotel when they cut peep holes in all the outhouses so no one had any privacy when they had to see Mrs. Jones (Mrs. Jones is what my grandmother use to call a toilet.)

Now, I do have other predictions, like the one about what happens when a bear walks into a forest in the spring?  All the trees are scared into leafing.   Ha, Ha.  But seriously, March is going to be a month with unstable temperatures and icy roads.  Some people will finally take down their outdoor Christmas decorations and realize after finding all the holes in their plastic reindeer that those were gunshots they heard on New Year’s Eve and not firecrackers.

Well, I got to wrap it up now.  I'm predicting that I'm going to have a busy time this month since with all the melting snow many people will be having their septic tanks backing up into their trailers.  Most people, I know can't afford a professional to fix their problem so they call on me to see if I can drive away the evil spirits with a séance and hence, keep the spirits from gurgling up from just below ground level.  Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't.  I still charge $10 whether I'm successful or not.  I should charge more but, I've found that if the client is only out $10 then, if things don't work out I'm not so likely to be turned into the authorities again.  Fines and bail money can really eat into honest mystic psychic profits.

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PORCH PIRATE FRIDAY

Porch pirate Friday,

Packages, groceries, gone,

Unhappy weekend.

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I AM SHORT LONG LEG

 I was born with one leg, far too long,

Which made all my walking, really wrong,

I was sad, deep despair,

I just sat in my chair,

Watching smoke, rise from my smoky bong.

BIRDIE AND HIS BUBBLE PIPES

 Birdie had his pipes to play; he played since he was a lad,

Birdie had his songs to play, both happy ones and true sad,

Birdie played pipes in the bathtub,

He created the "Bubble Club",

The Birdie Bubble Pipes Podcast, has numbers, not too bad.

Daddy's Working Out Adventure

 Daddy said he was demoted to the bottom from the top,

Daddy said it happened real fast, like a corporate flip flop

Daddy said now at work,

He got one little perk,

He had the power to work harder, or to come to full stop.

My Big Daddy Collabs On OnlyFans

I thought my parents were getting a divorce,

I asked nicest mommy and she said, "of course",

My mommy, the finder,

Found dad's pics on grinder,

And, a collab OnlyFans page with a horse.

HOW I SAVED PLANET EARTH FROM A SPACE-MONKEY

I Head Into Space To Save Planet Earth.

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Your World.  I'm writing on this blog in order to communicate with my fellow off-world alien rats.  It seems that my spacecraft is now lying at the bottom of a Russian lake so I have no way to directly communicate with my home world.  I know that occasionally all web sites on planet earth are scanned by alien worlds to look for hidden messages from agents.

The problem is that Earth Space Command is now monitoring websites for alien messages.  Of course a website has to be one that someone on earth occasionally reads before it shows up on space commands radar so to speak.  Luckily, this website has never been read by anyone so space command will never find my messages to my home world.  Even the contributors to this site never read it as is evidenced by all the serious grammatical and spelling errors found across all the postings.

Now getting back to the details of my report;   as I said my wrecked spacecraft is now lying on the bottom of a Russian lake.  Thousands of videographers witnessed the remnants of my ship roaring across the skies of the Russian Federation leaving behind it a trail of fire and smoke.  There was a massive sonic blast which devastated windows in buildings a hundred miles away.  Yet, after all that pyrotechnic display everyone on this planet thinks that a mere meteorite crashed into a Russian lake (humans have such a limited imagination).    Of course the lack of imagination that humans have to process alternative narratives to those given by the media is fortunate for space aliens.  However, sometimes their acceptance of corny explanations regarding the things they see and hear is really beyond belief.
It is of course bad enough that humans accept simple narratives for some really remarkable observances but, their ignorance in finding coincidence where it obviously exists is really astounding.

Of course, I am referring to the fact that not only was there a  crash of an alien spacecraft in a lake that was witnessed by millions but, at the same time a massive planet killing asteroid barely missed the earth.  "Coincidence" was the word used by the scientists and media to explain the crash of a meteorite (my little star-ship) and the near death experience of the planet.   Earth nerds are so not cool.  I understand humans are easily fooled in matters regarding science, technology and history however, I wish humans would appreciate the fact that I sacrificed my way back to my home world in order to stop a really nasty space monkey from crashing a massive rock right into the planet earth.  I barely escaped death myself and I have a terrible space-monkey bite mark on my tail which reminds me every time I prat around in a sewer that, I had a run-in with an ill-tempered space-monkey.

Now it was not long ago that it was announced by earth media that a giant asteroid was approaching earth. Of course human scientists knew that the asteroid was not approaching but instead, it was heading directly toward the little blue humanoid infested ball.  I of course had advanced computational systems on board my spacecraft which indicated to me that the earth was doomed and it was time for this rat to abandon the earth ship.

Of course I would have been happy to get off this planet for good however, because I had not completed my mission I thought I might have a problem explaining to my superiors back on my home world that I had failed.  They would have no doubt wondered why I just didn't go up and redirect the asteroid away from the planet.

My superiors have been chomping on my tail lately because I haven’t found a certain multiverse travel machine (A 1973 Volkswagen Pop-Top Camper).  My rat race is currently poised to completely take over this universe including all points in time with a newly discovered time machine (A 1974 AMC Matador Coup).  The Volkswagen would allow them the opportunity of taking over all the
infinite number of universes.

With no good excuse to let the humanoids and their planet be annihilated, I decided to take my ship up to the asteroid and figure out what I would need to do to redirect it.  Because the asteroid was nearby my trip was a short one.  I landed on the asteroid in a pocket which had earth air and gravity.  I knew that earth air and gravity had to be generated artificially so I started looking around for the source of the environmental enigma and the intelligent life I knew had to be behind it.
It did not take me long to find the aforementioned source:  It was a little cave, about one meter wide that led into the asteroid.  I followed the cave feeling a bit like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz human fantasy story and like Dorothy confronting the great Oz I confronted at the end of the tunnel a high technology laden cavern with a monkey sitting at a control panel which seemed quaintly ancient with hundreds of toggle switches, levers and blinking red and green lights.  I knew that this space monkey was clearly not up-to-date on his earth electronics when I saw a “Made In Japan” label on his computer console. I didn’t know how I was going to tell the little guy that the electronics hay-day sun had set on the Empire of Japan and that Chairman Mao’s communist China was the place to buy your current computer toys.

The Space Monkey Turns His Head Toward Me

“Pardon me,” I said, “I am Shiva Destroyer Of Worlds.  Who are you and what are you doing?”

The monkey turned his head round  and confronted me in the most vicious tone, “I am designated as “Space Monkey Zero”, the first monkey assigned by earth scientists to leave the solar system.  I was deep frozen and sent off on Voyager I with the hope that if some alien spacecraft were to come across me I would be thawed and brought back to life.  It was hoped that because of my superior intellect that I would act as an ambassador of goodwill to the aliens who revived me.  You see I am not just a monkey.  I have the DNA of the most intelligent creature on planet earth spliced into my chromosomes.”

“Don’t tell me your part human!,” I exclaimed with disbelief.

“Of course not,” answered the monkey.  “I have the DNA of a rat in my cells.  You and I are like cousins.  So, you must realize why exterminating a race of beings descended from toads like humans is a good thing on every level.  Humans are just nasty creatures.  They pee on you when you squeeze them. Each one releases tons of toxic methane gas into the atmosphere every year.  They certainly have not treated our rat brethren kindly and most of all they have treated my monkey cousins even worse; casting us off to explore dangerous uncharted worlds in order to save themselves casualties from mission’s cowardly humans would never dream of making.  Missions like my own cast-away mission into deep space with an almost zero chance of survival.  I was expendable to the humans.  Now all humans are expendable to me.  Ha! Ha! Ha!”

“Well listen space monkey; I don’t have time for all this.  I have to destroy this asteroid and save earth so I can continue to look for the multiverse machine which not only guarantees my kind mastery of all universes but, guarantees that I can return home and see my kids.  When all is said and done I couldn't give a rat’s rear about this planet but, I do want to go home empty handed so stay out of my way space monkey.  I have a planet to save.”

"I will never let you stop me space-monkey.  For all my family has been sent out there into space and I will never see them again."

"But, what about your sister?  She is on Voyager II.  She needs you somewhere way out there in space."

 While the space-monkey was preoccupied with thinking about his lost sister  I ran as fast as I could toward the space monkey and the control panel but suddenly the monkey hit a toggle switch and the entire control panel blew up.  I could smell melted circuits and observed several broken vacuum tubes on the floor.  I knew then that the space monkey had destroyed any hope I had of diverting the asteroid away from the earth using his technology.

“Now why did you do that space monkey?” I asked.

“Because even though I love my sister I think that now the earth must die.  I will have my revenge upon the monsters who made me a monster.  Maybe with humans gone monkeys or rats or some other superior species will rise up and become worthy space and time travelers.  Maybe something better will arise out of the human extinction.  I think I've done good today.”

I was really peeved but, I knew the little twerp was just acting out of some  earth-creature inclination of melodrama.  Earth creatures always want stuff to have some deeper meaning when maybe they should be a little more shallow and accept the obvious. “Listen space monkey, I am still going to stop this but, if you don’t want to be marooned on this rock forever you need to come with me in my spacecraft right now.  Come on monkey, this is your last chance.’

“Sorry Space-rat but I’m going down with this stone.  My last thoughts will be those of pure satisfaction. For I will know that the progeny of those who tossed me into space will have their futures blow up in their faces.”

My Burning Spacecraft Falls Into A Russian Lake

Suit yourself monkey,”  I said.  I then ran back to my spacecraft and quickly mounted the pilot’s seat.  I manually engaged the port side thrusters while maintaining my aft rudder in neutral.  The asteroid began to shimmy but, my thruster was not able to push the big rock into a trajectory that would miss the earth.  I needed more thrust to move the asteroid and I knew that the only way to create such a push was to detonate the tachyon hyper flight vale casing.  Of course that would move the asteroid but it would cause my spacecraft to go hurdling toward the earth.  I let it be so and away my ship flew toward the earth and away the asteroid and space monkey were pushed out into a non-threatening trajectory.  I and my spacecraft went hurdling through earth’s atmosphere.  Of course all the while my spaceship burned on the outside it became hotter and hotter on the inside until my hair began to singe.  I dismounted the pilot’s chair and jumped into a nearby spacesuit.  I didn't think I had much chance since I had the spacesuit made in by Enron and I had never tested it.  Anyway, I jumped out of my spacecraft which was now little more than a fireball traveling at Mach 10 and hurdling down toward a Russian lake.

One Day I Will Return Home.

Well, there you have it.  I saved the earth and my spacecraft is a big melted ball of plastic and caramelized papier-mâché lying at the bottom of a Russian lake.  l  am not proud to have saved humankind but, maybe I can find the multiverse ship and return home to my many hundreds of spouses; not to mention my  millions of children.

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ERRANDS AND FUN

I went out to do some loads of laundry, but first stopped at the bank,

I also went to the building store, to buy a new toilet tank,

When my errands were all done,

I decided to have fun,

I hung out down at the river, where a rusty, old barge had sank.

Flaky Jake's Liver & Spuds

 I went down the road to Flaky Jake's,

For one of their crisp, potato bakes,

Served with spiced, raw liver,

A cow was the giver,

And, a pint of root beer, cures my aches.

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ABOUT EVERY NINETY DAYS

 About every ninety days,

Henry had a fair job that pays,

To pay the late rent,

To fix a car dent,

And, to buy hair color for grays.

MR CREAMS CREMATORIUM, AND FOOD BAR

 I fancy dressed, went outside, and took a westward turn,

To Mr. Creams Crematorium, where granny would burn,

They opened the crematorium doors,

For roasting pork hot dogs, and making s'mores,

After cooking over granny's bones, then we did adjourn.

FACING A FUTURE OF WOE LIMERICK

When risks are high and returns are low,
Then, out of the stock market I must go,
But, many stay,
Waiting for a better day,
But, they may be facing a future of woe.

HIGH SCHOOL REMEMBERED, BY PAT

 Patrick is a sentimental type, fool,

He aches for his past at his old high school,

Pat was always in a hurry,

Scurry, scurry, scurry,

The in-kids called Pat squirrelly,

Because, Pat was un-cool, un-cool, un-cool.

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BARRY IS THE BEAST

 Barry is a beast; he sits way up in the big trees,

Hunting unicorns, he likes to chew upon their knees,

Uni knees are very sweet,

Beast boy's, yummy, tummy treat,

Once the knees are gone,  he begins nibbling  on the feet.

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SOUR DRINK HAIKU

Lemons, sour tea,
Sour Milk, Sour Coffee,
Whiskey sour, tears.

THE POGO-STICK FUNERAL

THE END OF MY POGO-STICK

I ran over my pogo-stick with my old car,

Now I can't pogo, jump high or jump far,

So, I just thought it was best,

To lay my pogo to rest,

Some thought my pogo stick funeral bizarre.