EXPLODING TOILET AND WET UNDER MY BED

 I had holes in my toilet, and I filled them with lead,

So the water on the floor, didn't run under my bed,

Then, my big cousin Ed,

Just eats black beans and bread,

He exploded my toilet, now my toilet is dead.

HANGING CUPBOARDS HAIKU

Hang, kitchen cupboards,
Screws short, unsecured, crash,
Dishes, glass breaking 

THE PLAGIARIZED TERM PAPER LIMERICK

I got an F on my term paper because I plagiarized,
I copied from a book so I'm not surprised,
I did not use quotes,
Let alone those tedious footnotes,
I guess that's why term papers are so despised.

I FORGOT MY TURTLE

I forgot my pet turtle and left him outside,
Now he is frozen on the water-slide,
But here's the thing,
Will he thaw out in the spring?
Or, maybe right now I should bring him inside?

AN ENTITY HAS STOLE MY PLACE

An entity has stolen my place,
It took my home and hearth,
It haunts the paths where I grew up,
It rules the house where I found birth,

There's this entity that I have seen,
An entity with a mind,
It revels in my misery,
This being most unkind,

It shows me just what could have been,
Save for the failures of my soul,
All those I've failed both now and when,
My benefit was just my goal.

FISH TEARS AND PIGS ON MY DINNER PLATE

Pigs don't cry but, tuna fishes do,
That's why pigs are in my stew,
Tuna fishes tears,
Make tuna fishes dears,
While pigs, my dinner plate they rue.

IN WINTER I PREFER TO CHILL

In winter I prefer to chill,
Cooking steaks outside upon my grill,
And with my soda pop,
That I'll drink non-stop,
I'll dine outside till I'm blue in the gill.

MY HEIRS AND EXPECTATIONS

I fell asleep in my little jeep,
While climbing up a hill,
I only wished I had thought ahead,
And, left some sort of will,

For I wokeup as I went crashing down,
Toward the big trees below,
Of course I had no money to leave my heirs,
Just a cabin in the snow,

And, I knew they would have to live there soon,
Because none can hold a job,
And, all will be broke by one cycled moon,
Without this working slob,

But, although they'll have nowhere to go,
They'll sell the cabin in the snow,
For they will want the cash to blow,
Then, they'll reap from what they sew,

But, as I fall I still regret,
Maybe a will could save them yet,
Not selling the cabin would be the bet,
But no, I fear the future's set.

I WENT TO VISIT THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE EARTH

When I was very young,
I wanted to do much more,
Then, work to raise a family,
So, I decided to explore,

I went to visit the four corners of the earth,
I thought I would find many wonders in distant lands,
But, the swamps, mountains and waters all look the same,
So do all the desert sands,

For many years I traveled,
Across dusty deserts and oceans of foam,
But, when sick and old I found myself,
Back at my childhood home,

I went to visit the four corners of the earth,
Those corners I never found,
For someone forgot to tell me,
That the earth is mostly round.

THE ONLY THING THERE IS TO FEAR

The only that I must fear is that I do not fear enough,
For no matter how things now appear the future will be rough,
So, I drive to the hills,
With my groceries and pills,
And, my mate, the dog and some stuff.

FISHING FOR TIGER SHARKS IN LAKE MICHIGAN

Out on Lake Michigan I did embark,

To try to catch a tiger shark,

But alas, the waters were way too rough,

And, my fishing dinghy is not so tough,

Now, this story has no real surprises,

My little dinghy, it capsizes,

And, I might have swam to a pier or park,

But, I found the jaws of a tiger shark,

And, you know I didn’t feel any pain,

As the shark chomped down upon my brain,

But, I had one bad sensation before my death, 

I smelled the shark's stinky tuna breath. 

MY WINTER TONGS

My tong shoes were no good in the winter,
For my big toe got an icicle splinter,
And, the numbness in my toes,
Warned me that they were froze,
But, at home I warmed for I'm a vintner.

THE PLAGUE AND HOW I GOT IT

I went to a restaurant and I caught the plague,
It was the leek salad that made my bod drag,
And, though I professed I was dying,
The waitress accused me of lying,
Because, I asked for leftovers and a doggie bag.

ALFRED THE VANE

At his end Alfred suffered from insanity,
Because he couldn't overcome his great vanity,
For Alfred saw himself growing old,
Graying hair and skin fold,
But, ignored the greater humanity.

EMOTIONS, ARRAYS AND SOME PLAY

We treat with drugs,
From pharmaceutical slugs,
Our emotions that aren't in array,

But, what we could do,
Is focus our minds to,
Making much more time for some play.

I WENT FISHING FOR SOME FISHES TO EAT LIMERICK

I went fishing for some fishes to eat,
To gather those fishes I used living worm meat,
But, the worms on the hook,
The fishes just took, 
Repeat and repeat and repeat.

41315

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY

I pay homage on this day to my Irish-American grandmother, Flossie Helen Murphy and to her family who came to this land from a place called County Cork, Ireland.

I LIKE DESTROYING ANCIENT ART

Some say my mind is not too smart,
Because, I like destroying ancient art,
I like to show that stuff don't last,
Especially, stuff that's from the distant past,

When I see old idols I see red,
Especially, of religions now long dead,
Those ancient things, they mock my ways,
And I bring their end of days,

The old statues and pottery I will pound to dust,
So, in graven images none will trust,
Then, to my new idols all will bend their knees,
And, worship only the old oak trees.

THE HOOK, THE FOG AND, THE BEER

I went fishing and caught a hook in my ear,
It was so annoying that my boat I couldn't steer,
Then, there was the fog,
I didn't see the log,
And, my boat sank and I spilled all my beer.

MARVIN NEVER WASHED HIS HANDS LIMERICK

Although, he traveled to many exotic lands,
Marvin never bothered washing his hands,
Of course he caused a pandemic,
With a disease so systemic,
Marvin had lumps all over his glands.