VERDI AND THE SCAREDY CAT

My cat has become quite the scaredy,
He hides when I play Aida by Verdi,
As the trumpet march solo begins,
My cat's on needles and pins,
And, I step to an opera march parody. 

THE BEE IN KALAMAZOO

 Mike caught a bee in his kalamazoo, 

It hurt real bad, Mike didn't know what to do,

Mike rushed straight to the ER,

They caught the bee in a jar,

Where the bee came out, there formed a boo, boo.

MUNKS, SQUIRRELS, BREAD AND HINDGES

 The chipmunks and squirrels are now going to war,

Now winter is here, and neither thought to nut store,

The chipmunks have loaves of bread,

That puts them a bit ahead,

The squirrels have three hinges, from someone's screen door.

IT WAS A COUPLE DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS POEM

It was a couple days before Christmas,
My wife's psycho dogs quacked like ducks,
And, I thought to myself,
Every Christmas it sucks,

I was out in my driveway,
Shoveling three feet of snow,
When I heard right behind me,
My molter-in-law growling "Ho, Ho,"

"Catch this you bum,"
She shouted at me,
So, I turned about,
And, what did I see,

I looked up to the sky,
And, what should appear,
But, a two liter glass bottle,
All empty of beer,

The bottle smacked  my head,
My face gushed out blood,
I fell into the snow,
With a groan and a thud,

The next thing that I tell you,
Was really quite neat,
I awoke in a hospital,
It smelled a sanitized sweet,

A nurse hovered over me,
And, she was no ug,
She fluffed up my pillow,
And, gave me a hug,

"Oh you poor dear,"
She said unto me,
"You'll be in the hospital,
Two months maybe three,"

The  room service was great,
I ate like a king,
And, I didn't have to do,
One dog gone thing,

My wife sued for divorce,
And, with her mother moved away,
To live in New York,
Or, was it L.A.?

So, I married my nurse,
I don't have to work,
She has a good job,
And, that's such a perk,

Well, as for each Christmas,
On one thing I pass,
I  drink beer from quart cans,
Never two-liter glass,

THE URBAN LEGEND OF SHED MAN

 Mr. Marnie sold a type of pre-fab shed,

He was a real nice guy, when on his med.

One night his med ran out,

Marnie had an anger bout,

By morning half the county was cold dead.

EXPLODING TOILET AND WET UNDER MY BED

 I had holes in my toilet, and I filled them with lead,

So the water on the floor, didn't run under my bed,

Then, my big cousin Ed,

Just eats black beans and bread,

He exploded my toilet, now my toilet is dead.

HANGING CUPBOARDS HAIKU

Hang, kitchen cupboards,
Screws short, unsecured, crash,
Dishes, glass breaking 

THE PLAGIARIZED TERM PAPER LIMERICK

I got an F on my term paper because I plagiarized,
I copied from a book so I'm not surprised,
I did not use quotes,
Let alone those tedious footnotes,
I guess that's why term papers are so despised.

I FORGOT MY TURTLE

I forgot my pet turtle and left him outside,
Now he is frozen on the water-slide,
But here's the thing,
Will he thaw out in the spring?
Or, maybe right now I should bring him inside?

AN ENTITY HAS STOLE MY PLACE

An entity has stolen my place,
It took my home and hearth,
It haunts the paths where I grew up,
It rules the house where I found birth,

There's this entity that I have seen,
An entity with a mind,
It revels in my misery,
This being most unkind,

It shows me just what could have been,
Save for the failures of my soul,
All those I've failed both now and when,
My benefit was just my goal.

FISH TEARS AND PIGS ON MY DINNER PLATE

Pigs don't cry but, tuna fishes do,
That's why pigs are in my stew,
Tuna fishes tears,
Make tuna fishes dears,
While pigs, my dinner plate they rue.

IN WINTER I PREFER TO CHILL

In winter I prefer to chill,
Cooking steaks outside upon my grill,
And with my soda pop,
That I'll drink non-stop,
I'll dine outside till I'm blue in the gill.

MY HEIRS AND EXPECTATIONS

I fell asleep in my little jeep,
While climbing up a hill,
I only wished I had thought ahead,
And, left some sort of will,

For I wokeup as I went crashing down,
Toward the big trees below,
Of course I had no money to leave my heirs,
Just a cabin in the snow,

And, I knew they would have to live there soon,
Because none can hold a job,
And, all will be broke by one cycled moon,
Without this working slob,

But, although they'll have nowhere to go,
They'll sell the cabin in the snow,
For they will want the cash to blow,
Then, they'll reap from what they sew,

But, as I fall I still regret,
Maybe a will could save them yet,
Not selling the cabin would be the bet,
But no, I fear the future's set.

I WENT TO VISIT THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE EARTH

When I was very young,
I wanted to do much more,
Then, work to raise a family,
So, I decided to explore,

I went to visit the four corners of the earth,
I thought I would find many wonders in distant lands,
But, the swamps, mountains and waters all look the same,
So do all the desert sands,

For many years I traveled,
Across dusty deserts and oceans of foam,
But, when sick and old I found myself,
Back at my childhood home,

I went to visit the four corners of the earth,
Those corners I never found,
For someone forgot to tell me,
That the earth is mostly round.

THE ONLY THING THERE IS TO FEAR

The only that I must fear is that I do not fear enough,
For no matter how things now appear the future will be rough,
So, I drive to the hills,
With my groceries and pills,
And, my mate, the dog and some stuff.

FISHING FOR TIGER SHARKS IN LAKE MICHIGAN

Out on Lake Michigan I did embark,

To try to catch a tiger shark,

But alas, the waters were way too rough,

And, my fishing dinghy is not so tough,

Now, this story has no real surprises,

My little dinghy, it capsizes,

And, I might have swam to a pier or park,

But, I found the jaws of a tiger shark,

And, you know I didn’t feel any pain,

As the shark chomped down upon my brain,

But, I had one bad sensation before my death, 

I smelled the shark's stinky tuna breath. 

MY WINTER TONGS

My tong shoes were no good in the winter,
For my big toe got an icicle splinter,
And, the numbness in my toes,
Warned me that they were froze,
But, at home I warmed for I'm a vintner.

THE PLAGUE AND HOW I GOT IT

I went to a restaurant and I caught the plague,
It was the leek salad that made my bod drag,
And, though I professed I was dying,
The waitress accused me of lying,
Because, I asked for leftovers and a doggie bag.

ALFRED THE VANE

At his end Alfred suffered from insanity,
Because he couldn't overcome his great vanity,
For Alfred saw himself growing old,
Graying hair and skin fold,
But, ignored the greater humanity.

EMOTIONS, ARRAYS AND SOME PLAY

We treat with drugs,
From pharmaceutical slugs,
Our emotions that aren't in array,

But, what we could do,
Is focus our minds to,
Making much more time for some play.