PAULSON PAWNED HIS PORN

 Paulson took his porn down to the family run pawn store,

He dreamed of getting $1,000,000, maybe much .more,

The store was owned by mom and pop,

They poured through the porn, bottom to top,

They offered Paulson 10 cents each, because each page was tore.

I MET A MARTIAN ON NEW YEAR'S EVE

I Walked Out Of A Bar And Met A Martian

When I went out on New Year's Eve,

I met a Martian and heard him grieve,

He annoyed me as he sobbed through his sins and regrets,

Then, begged me for some cigarettes,

Then, thusly to this Martian I spoke,

"Dear Martian I'm sorry but, I never smoke,

Although, I sometimes nurse a rum and coke,

If I bought cigarettes then I'd be broke,

And, cigarettes are portrayed in every earth tongue,

As causing diseases of the lung,

And, if lung disease does not give one a whack,

Then, one will surely die of a heart attack,"

The Martian then began to sigh,

"Without some cigarettes I will just die,

And, Martians have no lungs or heart,

The worst cigarettes can do is make us fart"

Finally, on the Martian I took pity,

I used my credit card in the city,

And, bought every cigarette I could find in a box,

Then, told the Martian he should get help to detox,

So, this Martian fella became real happy,

He hugged me close which I thought was sappy,

If he did it again I would have become slappy,

But, he spoke Martian verse and it was kind of rappy,

Then, my Martian friend hitched a ride back to mars,

Seems he didn’t own a ride to travel to the planets and stars,

But, I'm sure he'll be returning early next year,

Because for him a pack of cigarettes is what he holds most dear.

MY HEIRS AND EXPECTATIONS

I fell asleep in my little jeep,
While climbing up a hill,
I only wished I had thought ahead,
And, left some sort of will,

For I wokeup as I went crashing down,
Toward the big trees below,
Of course I had no money to leave my heirs,
Just a cabin in the snow,

And, I knew they would have to live there soon,
Because none can hold a job,
And, all will be broke by one cycled moon,
Without this working slob,

But, although they'll have nowhere to go,
They'll sell the cabin in the snow,
For they will want the cash to blow,
Then, they'll reap from what they sew,

But, as I fall I still regret,
Maybe a will could save them yet,
Not selling the cabin would be the bet,
But no, I fear the future's set.

THE SURVIVALIST

In my trailer I hunkered down way out in the woods,
Waiting for good times to end surrounded by dry goods,
The wait could have been longer but, the gods heard not my pleas,
Thus, a shortage of companionship has brought me to my knees,

I knew the death was coming crossing oceans in tin birds,
And, out of one bird a child came speaking simple words,
 "Mommy I feel really sick please, hold me for a little bit,"
 And, the child coughed and that was it,

Then, all across the land it came,
Bearing a most scientific name,
As the plague approached all fingered blame,
But, the death brought silence and, for each the same,

So, here alone the plague I beat,
In my trailer walled with canned meat,
Out to town out in the street,
Lies my bride and my defeat,

Although I warned her not to wander,
She went to town for one last ponder,
My love mourned because her world didn't last,
Delay assured she's in that past.

VERDI AND THE SCAREDY CAT

My cat has become quite the scaredy,
He hides when I play Aida by Verdi,
As the trumpet march solo begins,
My cat's on needles and pins,
And, I step to an opera march parody. 

THE BEE IN KALAMAZOO

 Mike caught a bee in his kalamazoo, 

It hurt real bad, Mike didn't know what to do,

Mike rushed straight to the ER,

They caught the bee in a jar,

Where the bee came out, there formed a boo, boo.

MUNKS, SQUIRRELS, BREAD AND HINDGES

 The chipmunks and squirrels are now going to war,

Now winter is here, and neither thought to nut store,

The chipmunks have loaves of bread,

That puts them a bit ahead,

The squirrels have three hinges, from someone's screen door.

THE URBAN LEGEND OF SHED MAN

 Mr. Marnie sold a type of pre-fab shed,

He was a real nice guy, when on his med.

One night his med ran out,

Marnie had an anger bout,

By morning half the county was cold dead.

EXPLODING TOILET AND WET UNDER MY BED

 I had holes in my toilet, and I filled them with lead,

So the water on the floor, didn't run under my bed,

Then, my big cousin Ed,

Just eats black beans and bread,

He exploded my toilet, now my toilet is dead.

HANGING CUPBOARDS HAIKU

Hang, kitchen cupboards,
Screws short, unsecured, crash,
Dishes, glass breaking 

THE PLAGIARIZED TERM PAPER LIMERICK

I got an F on my term paper because I plagiarized,
I copied from a book so I'm not surprised,
I did not use quotes,
Let alone those tedious footnotes,
I guess that's why term papers are so despised.

I FORGOT MY TURTLE

I forgot my pet turtle and left him outside,
Now he is frozen on the water-slide,
But here's the thing,
Will he thaw out in the spring?
Or, maybe right now I should bring him inside?

AN ENTITY HAS STOLE MY PLACE

An entity has stolen my place,
It took my home and hearth,
It haunts the paths where I grew up,
It rules the house where I found birth,

There's this entity that I have seen,
An entity with a mind,
It revels in my misery,
This being most unkind,

It shows me just what could have been,
Save for the failures of my soul,
All those I've failed both now and when,
My benefit was just my goal.

FISH TEARS AND PIGS ON MY DINNER PLATE

Pigs don't cry but, tuna fishes do,
That's why pigs are in my stew,
Tuna fishes tears,
Make tuna fishes dears,
While pigs, my dinner plate they rue.

IN WINTER I PREFER TO CHILL

In winter I prefer to chill,
Cooking steaks outside upon my grill,
And with my soda pop,
That I'll drink non-stop,
I'll dine outside till I'm blue in the gill.

MY HEIRS AND EXPECTATIONS

I fell asleep in my little jeep,
While climbing up a hill,
I only wished I had thought ahead,
And, left some sort of will,

For I wokeup as I went crashing down,
Toward the big trees below,
Of course I had no money to leave my heirs,
Just a cabin in the snow,

And, I knew they would have to live there soon,
Because none can hold a job,
And, all will be broke by one cycled moon,
Without this working slob,

But, although they'll have nowhere to go,
They'll sell the cabin in the snow,
For they will want the cash to blow,
Then, they'll reap from what they sew,

But, as I fall I still regret,
Maybe a will could save them yet,
Not selling the cabin would be the bet,
But no, I fear the future's set.

I WENT TO VISIT THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE EARTH

When I was very young,
I wanted to do much more,
Then, work to raise a family,
So, I decided to explore,

I went to visit the four corners of the earth,
I thought I would find many wonders in distant lands,
But, the swamps, mountains and waters all look the same,
So do all the desert sands,

For many years I traveled,
Across dusty deserts and oceans of foam,
But, when sick and old I found myself,
Back at my childhood home,

I went to visit the four corners of the earth,
Those corners I never found,
For someone forgot to tell me,
That the earth is mostly round.

THE ONLY THING THERE IS TO FEAR

The only that I must fear is that I do not fear enough,
For no matter how things now appear the future will be rough,
So, I drive to the hills,
With my groceries and pills,
And, my mate, the dog and some stuff.

FISHING FOR TIGER SHARKS IN LAKE MICHIGAN

Out on Lake Michigan I did embark,

To try to catch a tiger shark,

But alas, the waters were way too rough,

And, my fishing dinghy is not so tough,

Now, this story has no real surprises,

My little dinghy, it capsizes,

And, I might have swam to a pier or park,

But, I found the jaws of a tiger shark,

And, you know I didn’t feel any pain,

As the shark chomped down upon my brain,

But, I had one bad sensation before my death, 

I smelled the shark's stinky tuna breath. 

MY WINTER TONGS

My tong shoes were no good in the winter,
For my big toe got an icicle splinter,
And, the numbness in my toes,
Warned me that they were froze,
But, at home I warmed for I'm a vintner.